Disconnected

Have you ever felt like you are on the outside looking into your life? Lately, I have felt totally disconnected from everyone and everything. I'm not sure why. I don't even know why I would blog about it. (As you can see, I am not the savvy blogger yet).

I have felt the slight urge to write music again but, since I am the farthest thing from a "real" songwriter (ie: I have never written one ON PURPOSE), I don't know exactly what that entails.
The CD I recorded 5 years ago, seems like an eternity passed. So much life has passed by. I am aging----daily----and am a home school mom with a mountain of laundry staring me in the face. I am getting too old for all of this music nonsense. So, I laugh and shrug it off. BUT, the Lord keeps bringing to my mind the passage in the Bible where Sarah is told she is going to have a baby in her old age and she LAUGHS in disbelief. I can't think about anything right now except, "What in the heck am I going to make for dinner tonight?" Quite frankly, I feel a bit useless in the Kingdom of God right now. This is not a "whoa is me" pity party at all. It's just where I am.
I feel less like I know who I am right now than ever before in my life. I feel that the Lord has lead me into the dessert. It is hot and dry and I am about to burst into powder if I don't find some water. I have no doubt it is only a season but, goodness, what am I supposed to do while I'm here??

I was going through some old files today when I happened upon a CD review from The Phantom Tollbooth (2003). Was that another lifetime? Did I really have anything worthwhile to say?
It made me remember that I once had a plan and some passion, for goodness' sake. The fire in my belly is still there, it is just a bit doused by water from the dishes and from the laundry. A bit covered by dust bunnies rolling across the floor of a house that might get up and walk away b/c it is so messy due to lack of time to tend to it. Don't get me wrong, I am so utterly in love with my family. I am married to the sweetest man I have ever known and I am surrounded by three sons that I could not be more proud of. I love being a mom. I just feel that I have lost every other part of me. The part that was wooed by the King. The part that sang with abandon for hours and dreamed of ministering to those in prison and overseas. The part that.....thinks clearly and can complete a thought, for goodness' sake.

John 12 :24 says: "I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels—a plentiful harvest of new lives."

The world doesn't need another song; it needs PEOPLE willing to lay down their lives for other people. Apart from the Lord I am nothing. I have nothing to offer. I don't want the past. I want the RIGHT NOW. I don't want to languish for lack of faith to step out. I want this seed to die to produce more fruit...there I said it. And I mean it. Now excuse me, I need to duck and cover.